Holding On
by pinkhaoriwriter
Summary: After tragedy strikes, Nanao tries to return to her duties as if nothing has happened. The trouble is, it has, and Shunsui knows it's his fault. Eventual Shunsui x Nanao. Warning: Rated M for scenes of violence and mature themes.
1. Prologue: Waking Up

She opened her eyes slowly, almost lethargically. For several long minutes, she stared uncomprehendingly at the walls and ceiling. Finally, something registered in her mind. _I'm in Fourth_, she thought. For several more minutes, she wondered if perhaps this was another of Aizen's illusions. But no—his illusions were never quite this detailed. They were convincing when you were in them, like a dream, but compared to the real thing…no, she was back.

That realization suddenly brought a sick wave of panic.

Kyouraku-taichou wasn't there. Had he been hurt in the rescue attempt? Had he been killed?

She swung her legs over the side of the bed and stood up carefully. She was surprised—they seemed able to hold her weight, more or less. She must have been asleep for some time, if the healers had already helped her so much. She grabbed a robe from a hook and threw it around herself, limping into the hallway as quickly as she could.

Sensing around, she felt Ukitake's reiatsu in a nearby room. He would know. He would tell her. Leaning on the walls slightly, she hobbled to his room and knocked on the door.

"Come in," he said, in a raspy voice.

_Please don't let him be hurt because of me_, she pleaded silently, as she opened the door to Ukitake's room.

He looked up from his bed at her and his eyes widened in shock. "_Ise-san_?" he said hoarsely.

"Yes, sir," she answered, leaning slightly on the doorjamb. "Please, where's Kyouraku-taichou? Is he alright? Did he…"

"He's fine, Ise-san, or he will be when he hears that you're awake," Ukitake said. "Please, sit down before you collapse. I'd help, but I'm afraid I'm not in a condition to do so at the moment."

She slid into a chair across from him, her thoughts whirling as Ukitake sent a hell butterfly. She wanted—needed—to see her captain, but she was frightened. Frightened of his reaction—frightened that Aizen was right and he was angry with her for forcing him to come and rescue her, frightened that he'd been hurt, frightened that he didn't really need her as his fukutaicho at all.

She realized that Ukitake was looking at her strangely. Meeting his eyes, she asked quietly, "Are _you_ alright, sir? Did this…did you get injured rescuing me?"

"I'm fine, just a slight relapse. Sempai says I can leave in a few days." He waved his hand negligently. "Enough about me…are _you_ alright, Ise-san?"

"I'm fine, sir," she said flatly. She _wasn't_ going to think about what happened. She'd be fine as long as she didn't think about it. "How long was I asleep?" she asked. There would be lots of paperwork to catch up on, of course…that'd keep her busy.

He looked at her gently, before he softly said, "Nearly three months."

Her mouth fell open. "I don't understand. I wasn't injured badly enough to be in a coma for so long," she said. At least, she didn't think she had been. Her memory of the last week or so before her rescue was vague at best.

"You weren't in a coma. You've been…you were nearly catatonic," he said gently. "You were awake, but you wouldn't respond to anything beyond basic orders." He shook his head. "You didn't seem to hear or sense us at all."

She looked at him, stunned. _Three months?_ Oh, gods…with Kyouraku as captain… "Who's the fukutaicho now?" she asked, trying to pretend that it was merely a conversational question.

"There isn't one. Sensei wanted to reassign one, but Kyouraku insisted. He said he'd do the paperwork himself if he had to, but he wasn't going to replace you as long as you were alive," he said.

Nanao was spared the embarrassing prospect of trying to come up with something further to say when her captain burst into the room and swept her into his arms. "Nanao-chan…my Nanao-chan," he said softly. "I'm sorry…I'm so, so sorry," he said over and over.


	2. Chapter 1: Return

His hands slumped slowly as Aizen finally lay still, reiatsu vanishing. The silence in Aizen's throne room was deafening, the only sound Ukitake's rough breathing next to him. He stood still for several long minutes, trying to get his sheer rage under control, rage and desperation and fear at the things Aizen had shown him. If he was too late…

After a long silence, Ukitake said gently, "Kyouraku…He's dead. Come on, we have to find Ise-san."

Shunsui was silent for a moment, before he said, "Yeah…you're right." Almost savage with barely contained rage and desperation, he flash-stepped towards one of the arrancar still starring in stunned silence, placing one of his bloody blades at its throat. "Take me to where Ise Nanao is being held, now," he snarled softly.

The arrancar's eyes widened in fear as he found the blade of the shinigami who had just killed Aizen before his eyes at his throat. "Y-yes, sir," he said instantly. He bowed and led them down the white hallways.

Every muscle in Shunsui's body was screaming in protest, demanding to lie down, to rest. He didn't care. He'd rest after he found his Nanao-chan. She was going to be all right. She _had_ to be all right. If she wasn't… He felt Ukitake fall into step by his side, and Isane behind him. "Kuchiki-taichou and the others are staying back to finish cleaning things up."

Shunsui grunted assent, unable to come up with anything else to say. He was straining to feel any hint of his fukutaicho's reiatsu, desperately searching for _any_ sign that she was still alive. He barely noticed where they were going—it seemed like forever before the arrancar nervously said. "She was being held here. I don't have a key, I'm sorry."

Shunsui raised his hand to the door, but Ukitake stopped him gently. "Let me…you're still too angry to do it safely." He put his hand against the door and muttered a Kido spell, blasting the lock and the handle out of the door. Shunsui steeled himself for what he might find inside as the door swung open. _Please_, he begged silently, _let her be all right._

The moment the door was open enough to move inside, he was in the door, his eyes immediately drawn to the still, bloody form on the ground. "Nanao!" he said, dropping to his knees by her side.

She looked _terrible_, fresh blood and filth indistinguishable from the scabs and dirty white uniform covering her body. She was so thin…her high cheekbones protruded painfully from her face and her hands were nearly skeletal. The reiatsu-seal they had around her neck was loose, as well. Shunsui removed the seal, his hands clumsy with suppressed rage and grief at seeing her hurt like this. "Nanao? Come on, sweetheart. Wake up," he said softly.

After a minute, she opened her eyes, her reiatsu faint and barely there, but present. He breathed a silent sigh of relief. "We've got you now, Nanao-chan. Just hold on." She didn't look at him, her eyes blank and unseeing. Shunsui was fighting panic, but he took her bony hand in his gently. "You're safe now, and we're going to get you home and healthy and fed again, all right?" He looked up at Isane, who was also kneeling by Nanao's side, doing a diagnostic. "Isane-chan, can we move her?"

"Just a moment, Kyouraku-taichou. I need to finish repairing an injury to her back first," she said softly, the green glow of her Kido over Nanao's back.

Shunsui nodded, stroking Nanao's hand gently while he waited. "You're going to have to be all right, you know. I don't know how I'll catch up with all that paperwork on my own. You know, if you aren't there, I might put extra sake in our budget for next month, and then what will happen?"

Ukitake sat by his side, offering silent support. Shunsui was fighting to control his emotions, and more importantly his reiatsu—in her weakened state, if he let his reiatsu flare, it would probably suffocate her. That _bastard_. That absolute son of a bitch, daring to hurt Nanao like this. The death Shunsui had given him was far too quick for what he deserved, but they had needed to finish it quickly so they could get to her. "We can move her now, Kyouraku-taichou," Isane said quietly. "But we should get her back to Fourth quickly."

Shunsui nodded, not trusting himself to speak just yet. He gently gathered Nanao into his arms, frowning at how light she was--he could count her ribs easily, right through the pathetic excuse for clothing they had given her to keep her warm in the frigid cell. And she was burning up with fever too, her breathing strained and raspy. _Hold on, Nanao_, he begged her silently.

Ukitake closed the communicator he was holding and looked at Shunsui. "Kuchiki-taichou says they've opened a gate back into Soul Society," he said. "We can meet them in the throne room."

"Good," Shunsui said shortly. "Let's go. Oh…wait a moment." Despite the unnatural heat of her body, Nanao was shivering in his arms. He took off his (admittedly bedraggled) pink haori and wrapped her in it gently before nodding to Ukitake and flash-stepping back to the throne room as quickly as he could.

Matsumoto looked up with a worried expression when Shunsui reappeared. "Is she…?" she asked.

"She's alive," Shunsui said.

"Good!" Matsumoto said. "Knew she was too stubborn to go dying on us, right, taichou?"

"Let's just get her home," he said quietly, stepping through the Gate.

They arrived on the other side of the gate to a flurry of activity. Unohana gently took Nanao from his arms, laying her on a stretcher and rushing her to the emergency wing of Fourth Division. Shunsui was taken to Fourth as well, to be healed and bandaged—two straight months of fighting hadn't been kind to him, after all. It was all a blur, as the healers asked questions and poked various things into him. He was given something to eat and drink; he ate it, but didn't taste a bite. He just kept seeing Nanao's blood, the blank look in her eyes…he knew it would be haunting his dreams for months.

Some indeterminate time later—Shunsui couldn't have said if it was minutes or hours—he was led into a room with two beds, and told to rest for a while. He would have laughed if it wasn't so serious. He wasn't going to be resting anytime soon, not until he knew Nanao was stabilized. Ukitake was in the next bed over. Shunsui just sat on the edge of the bed, his head sunk onto his hands.

"She's going to be all right, Kyouraku," Ukitake said. "She's strong, and Unohana is an incredibly talented healer."

"I know she is, but…" rage swelled in him. "You saw what that bastard did to Nanao! You saw what he showed us! More than two months he had her, and she…she…"

"I know…" Ukitake said, quiet anger in his own voice. "What he did to her was unforgivable."

Shunsui was silent for a moment before he spoke softly. "Jyuu, I don't know what I'm going to do if I lose her. It's…it's just like Lisa. _I_ put her in danger. It's _my_ fault she's lying there. It's _my_ fault she was hurt."

"You know that's not true," Ukitake said softly.

Shunsui shook his head. "I left Nanao alone, just like I sent Lisa out alone."

Ukitake sighed and didn't try to push the subject, which Shunsui appreciated. His body really was aching, and he lay down to rest. He wouldn't sleep, just give his muscles a chance to relax for a moment…

When Shunsui opened his eyes, it was dark out. Unohana was in the room, listening to a sleeping Ukitake's lungs with a stethoscope. Shunsui opened his mouth to speak, but changed his mind and waited for her to finish. When she was done, she turned towards him and gave him a small smile before approaching Shunsui's bed. "How are you feeling?" she asked.

"I'm fine, just sore. How's Nanao?" he asked.

Unohana looked away for a moment before she made eye contact again. That was never a good sign. "I healed the worst of her injuries," she said, "but Ise-san is very ill. She has severe pneumonia and several infected wounds, so much depends on the next few days."

He swallowed past the lump in his throat. "What…are her chances?" he asked.

"If she makes it through the next three days, her chance of physical recovery is fairly good," she said, "although there will be extensive scarring." She paused and looked down for a moment before looking at him. "If all goes well, she'll be in Fourth for at least a month. However, her physical recovery is one thing, but her mental recovery is something else.

"Without a doubt, there was a great deal of psychological trauma done," Unohana continued. "I don't yet know the extent of the damage, but you should prepare yourself for the fact that it may have changed her a great deal."

Shunsui nodded, his eyes distant. The mere physical pain must have been excruciating, and if the way Aizen fought them was any indication, he probably tortured her psychologically, as well. "When can I see her?" he asked.

"Tomorrow, after you've rested," Unohana said firmly.

"I'm rested now," said Shunsui, trying to prove it by getting to his feet…and promptly falling over. Unohana caught him and eased him back into the bed.

"Rest now, Kyouraku-san. You're exhausted. You can see her in the morning," Unohana said as she pulled the blankets up around him.

_If she's still alive_, he thought. Aloud, he only said, "You're right of course, Sempai. But...call me if anything happens, all right?"

"I will, I promise. Good night, Kyouraku-san," she said as she turned out the lights and left the room.

The next day found Kyouraku up with the sunrise. Had Nanao been awake to witness it, she would have commented that she needed to mark the date of this unprecedented event on her calendar. But even the thought of her critical remarks (which Shunsui had always found irresistibly adorable) only barely brought a smile to his face. Because his Nanao-chan wasn't in the office, waiting for him with a stack of paperwork and a cup of tea; she was lying in a hospital bed, still fighting to survive what Aizen had done to her.

After checking him over briefly, Unohana had allowed Kyouraku to go to Nanao's room. He stood in the door for a while, his heart breaking for his fukutaicho. She seemed so _dwarfed_ by the hospital bed. Most of her body was bandaged, including the right side of her face. She had an oxygen mask over her mouth and nose, and various IV lines in her arm. He pulled up a seat next to her bed, gently stroking her hair and face in one of the few places that wasn't bandaged or bruised.

"I am so sorry, Nanao-chan," he said softly, taking her hand with his as he continued to stroke her hair softly. "This is my fault, and I will never…never be able to forgive myself for that. For letting him get to you. For taking so long to rescue you. Hell, I should have been there in your place to begin with—you should never have had to endure something like this."

He stood up and placed a very gentle kiss on her forehead before he slid back into the chair, still holding her cold hand tightly. "You don't know how proud I am of you, though. When Aizen was…taunting us, he told us how you wouldn't tell him anything. You're such an amazing, strong, beautiful woman, Nanao-chan. And you must be so tired, after so long, but you can do this. You can survive.

"I've watched you get through so much. You were so _tiny_ when you came to Eighth, but gods help anyone who insulted your Kido. And you adored Lisa-chan, I know you did. But even when she disappeared, you wouldn't let it hold you back. You kept right on going, right on fighting. I've never seen a Kido master as young as you, you know that? You darn near burnt the hat right off my head during your fukutaicho test. My poor hat…

He chuckled, and found tears rolling down his cheeks, but he didn't try to stop them. "Please, Nanao," he said gruffly, "You don't know how much I need you. I love you. I love you so much, and something in me is going to die with you if you go. I know I don't deserve it. I know I didn't keep you safe like I should have, but please. Please keep fighting, Nanao. Come back to me."


	3. Chapter 2: Sleep

**AN:** To those of you who have been following this story previously, Chapter 2 has now been revised and expanded into two chapters, so you'll want to read both Chapters 2 and 3.

Nanao was unconscious for a several days after being rescued from Hueco Mundo; the painkillers and drugs Unohana was using to treat her ensured that. Shunsui knew it was probably a mercy--if she were awake, she'd only be in pain. But he was desperately worried about her. He hadn't been out of her hospital room for more than the few hours necessary to check back in with Eighth and get a fresh set of clothes.

He knew that Unohana was worried about her lungs. Nanao's immune system was very weak and she was only barely fighting off the pneumonia. They already had a ventilator breathing for her, and he knew...he knew painfully well from his experience with Ukitake's illnesses that some of the medications they were giving her were powerful steroids. The kind you administer when a person's lungs are in danger of giving out all together.

Ukitake had tried to sit with him as much as possible, but he needed rest and the Thirteenth needed him. The Eighth needed Shunsui, too--although Shunsui wasn't deluding himself, it needed Nanao more. He didn't have the faintest idea what to do with all that paperwork. He'd ordered the Third Seat to bring him what she thought was the most important, but he couldn't concentrate on it. At one point, he realized he'd been staring at a line for ten minutes and hadn't even noticed that the sheet was upside-down.

Sleep was impossible, too. Unohana had set up a cot for him, but when he had to, he preferred to simply sleep in the chair so he could keep holding her hand. Not that his sleep was restful. His dreams were haunted with images of Nanao dead, of Aizen hurting her, torturing her. Images that Aizen had shown him, and those that his own mind produced out of some sick, masochistic urge to punish himself for failing her.

Over and over, his mind kept replaying that horrible night.

_--67 Days Ago--_

It was night, after sunset on the first Friday of the month, and Shunsui was having a wonderful time. He loved their full-division sake parties; it gave their squad a chance to relax and have fun together. To rest and bond, flirt and drink. And Shunsui moved among them, flirting, teasing, drinking with everyone. Lending an ear to those who needed it. He was in his natural element.

Nanao never attended the parties, but she tolerated them. Shunsui knew that the noise and mess irritated her. But every month, she would stay late at the office on the first Friday of the month, coming to the big meeting room around two in the morning to make sure everyone made it back to their beds, particularly him.

Lots of times, he'd pretend to be passed out on the floor, just so he could watch her. She'd help the others get back to bed--people tended to underestimate her physical strength, and she could shift men twice her weight if she really needed to. Then, she'd straighten up the furniture, collect up the sake bottles, and sweep up the paper and any other trash that had collected on the floor. Finally, she'd come to his side and gently nudge him, murmuring "Time for bed, sir."

It was only then, late at night and with him apparently drunk, that she would pull his arm onto her shoulder and put her arm around his waist to get him on his feet and take him back to his quarters. She'd get him into his room and get his pink coat and his haori off (she stopped at that, much to Shunsui's disappointment), and then gently lay him in the bed, pulling the covers up around him, whispering "Good night, Taichou," as she left. He loved those parties just for that, for seeing her gentle side, even if only for a few minutes.

He had just been joking with Matsumoto when he felt Nanao's reiatsu flaring in alarm. Her reiatsu _never_ flared like that--her iron control was absolutely infamous. He flash-stepped out the door of the conference center and flash-stepped down the empty streets to headquarters, pulling his swords out as he went.

He was too late.

As he sprinted towards the building, he saw a dark figure holding Nanao tightly in his arms, chains of golden light trapping her in place. He could feel her reiatsu pushing desperately at the bonds, but she couldn't break them.

"_Flower Wind Rage and Flower God Roar, Heavenly Wind Rage and Heavenly Demon Sneer!"_ he shouted, ready to tear apart the bastard who dared to attack Nanao.

But before he could reach them, a golden Negación pillar surrounded Nanao and her assailant. "_Nanao!_" Shunsui screamed, "_No!_" To his horror, her assailant pulled off the wooden courier's mask he had used as a disguise, revealing Aizen's cruel smile.

As Shunsui looked on helplessly in horror, Aizen stroked her hair mockingly and pulled her hairclip out, tossing it to the ground. He saluted Shunsui before he disappeared into the Garganta portal, dragging Nanao with him.

"_No!_" he screamed again, his reiatsu skyrocketing. Power surged through him, enraged and unshackled, rushing and pulsing and furious. Katen Kyokotsu sang in his blood, her usual laziness drowned in their mutual fury. He was losing himself, drowning in his own power…

And then Ukitake was there, his reiatsu raised to meet Kyouraku's. He grabbed Kyouraku's shoulders, grounding him back to reality. "Kyouraku!" he half-shouted, "What happened?"

Kyouraku yanked his reiatsu back under control, half-panting with exertion. "Nanao… Aizen… he took her!" he said.

Ukitake's eyes widened. Members of Eighth were running up, asking confused questions, and the captains of Sixth and Eighth had arrived. Ukitake turned to them, squaring his shoulders. "We are not under attack, but return to your quarters," he said. Then, he turned to Kuchiki and Hitsugaya. "Ise-fukutaicho has been kidnapped. We must summon the other captains and tell them what has happened."

Hitsugaya and Kuchiki nodded and left to carry Ukitake's message. Shunsui was pacing furiously. "I'll kill him," he muttered. "I swear, I'll tear him limb from limb!"

Ukitake nodded, anger in his own eyes. "I know. But we have to focus. We can't just barrel in there without thinking. Think, Kyouraku. Why Ise-san? Why now?"

Shunsui swore eloquently. "It's _my_ fault. The sake party...You know the jokes about how she never goes to them."

"But _why_? Why her?" Ukitake asked.

"_I don't know!_" Shunsui half-snapped. "Sorry...I just...let's get to the meeting." He wanted to get this over with. He wanted to get going, and rescue Nanao before that _bastard _hurt her.

Ukitake nodded and fell in beside Shunsui as they flash-stepped towards the meeting chamber. He moved beside him in silence as they moved through the dark streets, Shunsui still trying to control his stormy reiatsu. Nanao was strong and brave, and he trusted her with his life and more. But Aizen had already taken one fukutaicho from him. Shunsui would _not_ let him take another.

As they approached the meeting hall, Ukitake broke the silence. "We'll get her back, Kyouraku," he said quietly.

Shunsui nodded tersely to his best friend and opened the door into the meeting room. Yamamoto was already there, but most of the other captains had yet to arrive. "Kyouraku. Ukitake," he said.

"Yama-jii," Shunsui said. "Nanao-chan has been kidnapped by Aizen."

"And what do you propose we do about it?" Yamamoto asked, unmoved.

"I don't propose anything. I'm _going_ to rescue her," said Shunsui. "I'm dead serious about this, Sensei. I will go, with or without your blessing."

Yamamoto frowned slightly, but didn't speak as the first of the remaining loyal captains began to arrive. One by one, they filtered in, except for Kenpachi, who was probably lost somewhere en route. Yamamoto banged his staff on the floor to call the meeting to order. "Kyouraku," he said, "report on what happened."

Shunsui swallowed his worry and anger and forced himself to speak calmly. "I was at the Eighth Division monthly sake party when I felt Nanao-chan's reiatsu flaring. I arrived to see Aizen, having disguised himself as a courier, pulling her into a Garganta portal."

There was a brief murmur of surprise and confusion. "Why Ise-fukutaicho?" asked Hitsugaya. "That doesn't make any sense!"

"That's because you're a fool," Kurotsuchi said. "Why would he kidnap her? I'm sure Kyouraku knows the answer to that." He turned towards Shunsui, his cruel eyes amused. "How much paperwork does she do for you again? Even T-Class information?" T-Class information was paperwork classified to captains' eyes only.

The explanation was obvious, should have been obvious, but it hit him like a punch in the gut and Shunsui's blood ran cold. Kurotsuchi was right—Nanao had far more information than she should for her rank, and it was his fault. If Aizen hurt her to get that information...

Ukitake spoke quietly. "It's not just Eighth Division," he said. "She's been helping pick up the slack with the paperwork of the divisions which are missing captains."

Yamamoto spoke with a certain degree of irritation. "So, what you're saying is that Ise has access to Taichou-Class materials for four divisions."

Shunsui felt a brief flash of anger. Nanao wasn't just a security risk, she was his fukutaicho, and she was in the hands of their enemy. But he kept his peace. Rescuing Nanao was all that mattered. He could be patient with Yamamoto's way of thinking, if it got him to that goal.

"We will arrange a rescue team," Yamamoto said. "Kyouraku-taichou and Ukitake-taichou, you will go. Kuchiki-taichou and Zaraki-taichou (if he can be located) will go as well, along with Abarai-fukutaicho. Unohana-taichou, you will be needed here. Kotetsu-fukutaicho will go, along with one other healer of your choice."

The named captains nodded their acceptance. Yamamoto continued, "You will leave tomorrow morning, at two hours past sunrise." As the meeting broke up, Ukitake spoke with the other members of the team, making arrangements. Zaraki burst in at the last minute and Ukitake filled him in, as well. Shunsui felt a brief surge of gratitude—he was far to agitated still to make proper plans. When he was finished, they headed back towards Eighth Division, Shunsui lost in his thoughts and Ukitake respecting his need for silence.

His headquarters loomed into view, the door ajar and the lights still on inside. Ukitake clasped a silent hand on his shoulder and headed back to his own division to make arrangements. Kyouraku gave his friend a silent look of thanks, grit his teeth, and pushed inside. Nanao's reiatsu was long-dissipated and blessedly so was Aizen's. The only sign something had happened was Nanao's toppled chair the papers scattered on the floor--presumably they'd been blown off the desk by Aizen's Kido. He must have really caught her by surprise if Nanao hadn't even had time to get off a spell in response--he knew how fast she was.

Almost mechanically, he started to pick up the scattered pages and put them back on her desk, his guilt mounting with each passing moment. Damn that sake party. Damn his laziness. If Aizen hurt her, if he killed her because Shunsui was a lazy ass who refused to do his work…

He realized he was crumpling her paperwork and forced himself to release it, setting it on Nanao's abandoned desk. He was just setting her chair back up when there was a quiet knock on the door. "Kyouraku-taichou?" a soft, female voice said.

He looked over to the door and saw a young woman with curly brown hair. He recognized her immediately as Sakamoto Hikari, their third seat. She was still wearing the purple yukata she'd worn to the sake party, but she looked concerned. "Ah, Hikari-chan," he said, trying to force a smile onto his face. "How can I help you?"

"Everyone's really worried, sir. Is Ise-fukutaichou all right?" she asked. "Did something happen?"

For a moment, he nearly winced, painfully reminded of the night Nanao came to see Lisa so many years ago...but this was _not_ going to end like that had, he resolved. "Aizen," he said quietly, his voice filled with a rare, icy anger.

Her eyes widened and she took a step inside. "Is she okay?" Hikari asked.

His hands clenched into fists. "She will be," he said softly. "She will be, or Aizen will wish he'd never been born."


	4. Chapter 3: Emptiness

**AN:** To those of you who have been following this story previously, Chapter 2 has now been revised and expanded into two chapters, so you'll want to read both Chapters 2 and 3.

Shunsui still had the hair clip in his pocket. He'd kept it with him as a talisman all the way through their fights in Hueco Mundo. He stroked her hair gently. "I miss you, Nanao," he said quietly. "Not being able to see you, not having you by my side for months...it hurt. It was like a part of myself was missing. I need you by my side. You've kept our division running smoothly in a way that I couldn't even imagine doing on my own."

There was no response except the quiet whooshing sound produced by the ventilator. He put his arms on the bed and rested his head on them. "I wish that I could have taken your place, Nanao-chan," he said softly. "I would do it a heartbeat."

He reached out to stroke her hair gently and lightly. It was so _hard_ seeing her like this. Most of her body was bandaged, including most of the right side of her face, where Aizen had left particularly ugly cuts and gashes. Not that any scars would ever make her anything less than beautiful in his eyes, but he hated what they represented--the horror and suffering he hadn't been fast enough, or good enough to prevent.

Suddenly, the heart rate monitor started beeping alarmingly. He sat up suddenly, looking at Nanao in horror for a second before he sprinted around the bed and pressed the emergency call button. A few long moments later, Unohana rushed in with several nurses, striding to the bed. She started issuing orders, which the nurses hurried to obey.

Shunsui stepped away to give the healers room, feeling utterly helpless and completely terrified. He could barely see her behind the healers, but he could feel the tension in the room as they worked to keep her heart working. _Please_, he thought, _fight it, Nanao._ "She's in v-fib," warned one of the nurses. He felt sick to his stomach as they pulled her robes open and a nurse began to perform CPR.

He was frozen in his place, hands clenched as he felt Nanao's reiatsu growing steadily weaker. _«Master!»_Katen Kyokotsu said sharply in his mind, _«Her life energy is failing!»_

Shunsui ran to Nanao's side, grasping her hands in his despite Unohana's sharp warning. He began to pour his life energy into her. _Stay with me, Nanao!_ he ordered silently. His fiery pink reiatsu surrounded them, trying to twine it with her fluttering, weak life energy, trying to help her hold on. He could feel her life energy faltering, struggling. _Please_, he begged silently,_ I love you, Nanao. Stay with me._

He was in near darkness. Sand was everywhere, stinging his face, his hands, his eyes, the wind driving it towards him, trying to push him away. "_Nanao!_" he shouted, trying to feel her. He could feel a slight prickle of her reiatsu ahead of him and he began to fight forward.

He pushed forward towards her. With each step, the wind pushed back at him. With each step, the sand shifted under his feet, threatening to trip him. He fell to the ground and struggled to get back up. He closed his eyes against the blinding, stinging sand, getting increasingly desperate to get to Nanao, to reach her before it was too late. "_Nanao!_" he shouted again, coughing as the sand filled his mouth.

He fell again and couldn't get up, the sands too unstable under his feet as they heaved and shifted. He forced his way forwards, clawing his way across the sand. Was he getting closer at all? He couldn't get any sense of where she was. Each move forward was met with more and more resistance from the wind and sand. He managed to get to his feet and ran forward again, but he only made it a few steps before he fell.

Suddenly, ahead of him, he could just make out the form of a tree, nearly stripped of its leaves by the wind and partly-uprooted. He instinctively knew it was her zanpakuto spirit. _«Hurry, Master,» _urged Katen Kyokotsu. He half-ran, half-crawled towards the tree, desperate to make it in time.

Shunsui wrapped his arms around the tree and started to push his life energy into it. His energy danced around him in a pink haze, bathing the tree, struggling to bring it back, to keep Nanao in this world. He had let her get hurt. If she died, it would be his fault, but he would fight to his last breath to save her. He _owed_ her that much.

But it didn't seem to be working. Although the pink blaze illuminated the scene, pushing back the sand, the tree remained lifeless and motionless. He pushed farther, deeper, pulling his energy from the very depths of his own being. He _would not_ lose her like this! _Please stay with me, Nanao-chan_, he begged silently as he poured out his energy.

He could feel her.

It was faint and distant, but he could feel her. She was tired and in so much pain. She just wanted to sleep, to forget. Shunsui's heart broke for her, and for a moment, he faltered, wondering if he was being selfish, if maybe it was time to let her go. It was in that moment of indecision that he heard her voice in his head. _"Taichou?"_

He could barely hear her...he wasn't even sure hear was the right word...but he reached out for her with his mind as best he could. _"I'm here, Nanao-chan,"_ he answered silently.

She seemed upset about something, but she reached back to him, saying, _"Taichou, I..." _ And then the connection slipped. He could feel her drifting away. With a desperate, renewed effort of will, he poured everything he had into the tree. He would die to save her if he had to. And then...a leaf budded out of one of the branches of the tree. _"That's it, Nanao-chan. Stay with me,"_ he thought to her.

Slowly, another leaf budded. And another. And another. Until the tree's roots were firmly in the ground again, and there was a smattering of leaves on the tree. Nanao's reiatsu was still painfully weak, but it seemed steady.

He was utterly exhausted. He sat down against the tree trunk and closed his eyes. Moments later, he opened them to find himself lying down in a bed in Fourth Division. He could feel Nanao's hand in his. His eyes shot open, wanting to see her, but afraid at what he might find...

"She's stable, Kyouraku-san," Unohana said from the doorway. "But you did give us quite a scare."

He sat up and glanced at Unohana before looking at Nanao. She still had an oxygen mask on, but no longer a respirator, and her color was a bit better. Unohana came to his side and began to take Shunsui's vitals. "Did it ever occur to you, Kyouraku-san," she said, with one of those very gentle glares that made shivers run down his spine, "that I was perfectly capable of performing a life energy transfusion?"

He gave her a lopsided smile. "Er...well...I..." he said.

"It was quite dangerous what you did, you know," Unohana continued. "We nearly lost both of you. You pushed yourself almost to the brink with how much energy you gave her."

He shook his head doggedly. "If it would have saved her, I'd have let her have it all," he insisted.

"And if you died along with her, do you think it would have made her happy?" Unohana scolded.

Shunsui didn't have a good answer for that. Unohana sighed as she finished writing on his chart. "Do at least _try_ not to be reckless, Kyouraku-san," she said, with a calm and terrifying smile.

He gave her one of his irreverent grins. "Only when it's necessary to save beautiful women," he said. "I'm sure you'd do the same for Ukitake. And I rather imagine he'd do the same for you."

She ignored his antics as she turned off the lights. "Get some rest," she said firmly. Although...Kyouraku couldn't be sure, but was that just a hint of a blush on her cheeks as she left?

Several more days passed. Shunsui really _had_ used up a great deal of energy and had to rest. Ukitake came to visit periodically, and Shunsui regaled him with stories of how he 'Nobly risked his life to save his lovely Nanao-chan, without whose beauty life would not be worth living.' But behind the jokes, he was still worried. Nanao was getting stronger, but she still hadn't awakened.

On the third day, Unohana let him get out of bed for short periods, although he was ordered to take it easy. He was sitting in a chair by her bed, watching her. Hoping that he had managed to save her, rather than simply leaving her in a permanent comatose state.

His heart lurched as eyes fluttered open suddenly. "Nanao?" he said softly. "You're home now. You're safe."

She didn't look at him. "Nanao?" he said again, touching her cheek lightly. "Can you hear me, sweetheart?" She still didn't react to him, her eyes starring fixedly at the ceiling. He frowned and waved a hand in front of her face. She blinked, but didn't look at him. He felt slightly sick to his stomach at her blank expression, but softly said, "I'll be right back. I'm going to get Sempai."

He reached out for Unohana's reiatsu and hurried to find her. He located her outside, coming in with a few patients. She looked at him, concern in her eyes. "Kyouraku-taichou. Is something wrong?"

"Nanao's awake," he said, "but she's not responding to anything."

"I see," she said. "I will come at once." She talked to the healers with her momentarily, and then followed Kyouraku back to Nanao's room. Nanao's eyes were still open and fixed on the ceiling. "Ise-san?" she said softly. There was no response.

Shunsui stood out of her way as Unohana tried to get Nanao to respond, feeling increasingly desperate as minutes dragged on and nothing worked. He ached to take her in his arms, to hold her tight until she understood she was safe, that no one would hurt her again. But instead he just stood by and watched as the healer captain tried to get through to his fukutaicho. It was all the worse because he didn't understand most of what she was doing.

Finally, she turned to him, a look of concern in her gentle eyes. "There is no physical trauma to explain this, Kyouraku-san. It is not due to damage in her brain, or in her nervous system."

"Then why isn't she responding?" he asked quietly, already knowing the answer but refusing to acknowledge it.

"I'm afraid her behavior is likely due to mental trauma, rather than physical," said Unohana.

Kyouraku clenched his hands. If he could, he would resurrect that bastard and kill him again for this, and this time, it would be slow. "How can we help her recover?" he asked evenly.

"We can help her feel as safe as possible by keeping her room quiet and comfortable." Unohana said. "And I will help her as much as I am able. However...you should also prepare yourself for the possibility that she will not recover."

"No," he said firmly. "She's going to recover. She's going to be all right."

Unohana gave him a gentle, sad smile. "Wishing doesn't always make something happen, Kyouraku-san," she cautioned him.

He shook his head. "Nanao's tough. She'll get through this," he insisted. _She has to_, he thought.

Unohana didn't answer directly, but she checked Nanao's vitals and wrote something down on her chart. "I'll return in an hour, Kyouraku-san," she said.

"Thank you, Sempai," he said, sitting back down by Nanao's bed. He took her hand again, more disturbed than he wanted to admit by the blank look on her face. She had a reputation for being cold and inscrutable, but she was actually far more expressive than she realized. There was that ever-so-slight twitch in the corner of her lips when she was trying to be stern with him while trying not to burst out laughing, and the way she set her jaw when she was angry at something (usually him). There was that little frown she always got when she saw a relationship she didn't think was a good idea. And there was that half pleased, half lonely look in her eyes when she saw two people come together who could be happy with each other. He hated that lonely look, but he'd have taken it gladly over this expressionless one.

Shunsui sighed deeply and rested his head on the bed by her side. "For once, I really don't know what to say, Nanao-chan." He closed his eyes and continued, "I don't really have the right to speak to you at all. You're lying here because you knew I might be too drunk to get home by the end of the night, and I certainly would be too drunk to clean up my own damn mess. And because you were sitting there doing my work instead of at the party because you knew _someone_ had to be the responsible one in the division, and it clearly wasn't going to be me. A hell of a captain, that's me."

He paused again, lost in his thoughts for a moment, and then sat up. "From what he showed us...you must be terribly scared and hurt, Nanao-chan. I wish I could fix that. I wish it had never happened. But you _are_ safe now. Whatever he showed you, it wasn't real. You're home now. You can rest and get better. And all your friends will be here, waiting for you when you wake up. Even your idiot captain."

Nanao gave no indication that she'd heard anything he said, but her eyes drifted closed as he talked and she seemed to fall asleep. Shunsui sighed again and put her hand by her side, tucking the blankets around her. Ever so gently, he leaned over and kissed her forehead. "I love you Nanao-chan. Sleep well."

**AN: **Thank you to all the reviewers, especially farley mcgill, who spotted what was wrong with the previous version of Chapter 2.


	5. Chapter 4: Visit

Shunsui walked down the halls of Fourth Division, making his way to Nanao's room. It was a familiar path now, too familiar. Through the lobby, down the hallway, take the second right and then the third left. That put him in the long-term patients ward. He went through the lounge area, nodding distractedly to the nurse on duty at the desk, and down the hall. Nanao's door was last on the left. He took a deep breath, forced a cheerful look onto his face and knocked once before he opened the door.

It wasn't a bad room. The walls were a pleasant light blue and there was a window hung with white curtains which overlooked a small garden. There was a wooden bedside table which currently displayed the flowers he'd brought last Sunday and a dresser for personal items, as well as a porcelain sink and medicine cabinet. Her bed had a dark blue coverlet on it, and there were plenty of pillows and blankets to keep her warm and comfortable.

At the moment, Nanao was sitting in a cushioned chair by her bed, staring blankly straight ahead. It didn't matter how many times he'd seen it; seeing her like that hit him like a punch in the gut. But he forced himself to smile anyway. "Good afternoon, Nanao-chan!" he said cheerily. "Saa, it's getting so cold out now! The kind of day when lovers like to huddle together under a warm blanket by the fire."

She was silent, blank, unmoving. There was no indication she even knew he was there, let alone that she understood what he was saying. But Shunsui was undeterred, moving around in front of her. He took her hands to see if they felt cold or not. "Tsk, tsk, Nanao-chan," he teased, "your hands are like ice. You should keep warm or your hand will freeze to your pen someday." He very gently grabbed a blanket from the bed and pulled it around her shoulders, making sure her hands were covered. "Now isn't that better?" he asked.

He paused for a second, as if waiting for an answer, but Nanao remained silent. "So, what's happened in Eighth since I last saw you?" he mused. "Well, it was a bit…"

He was cut off mid-thought by a respectful knock. Turning to glance at the open door, he saw one of the regular nurses in the ward bringing in a tray. She bowed respectfully, and said, "I have Ise-fukutaichou's dinner, sir. Would you like me to bring something for you?"

"No, thank you," said Shunsui, "though it's a kind offer…Kimiri-chan, was it?" The nurse nodded and came in to give the tray to him. She was used to the way things worked when he was visiting, so she simply bowed again and left him in silence with Nanao and the tray. "Dinnertime, Nanao-chan," Shunsui said when the nurse was gone. "Hm, curry and rice. Looks good and hot, perfect thing for a winter day."

Again, she didn't respond. Shunsui sat next to her, gently placed the bowl in her lap, and handed her the chopsticks. "Eat," he ordered quietly. Immediately, her eyes turned towards the dish and she began to put food in her mouth. She moved silently, almost like an automation--no expression of enjoyment or distaste, no pauses to blow on something she found too hot. "It looks pretty good," he said. "They seem to make pretty good food in this part of the hospital. Of course, Jyuu gets fed well when he's here--they just always have a room ready for _him_ over here. But me, I have to eat the same awful hospital food every time I get injured. Now, that's not very fair, is it?" he complained.

She splattered a bit of sauce on her clothing as she ate her curry. Shunsui grabbed one of the napkins provided with the tray and gently wiped the stain off. Nanao continued to eat. "The budget is coming due in a few days, you know," he said. "I'm praying you'll wake up by then because I'm horribly lost. How on earth do you do it? I've been begging Hisagi-kun for help, but he says he has his own budget to worry about. _I_ can't even find all the proper files I should look at!" he complained.

"Not that it's a fault in your organization system, Nanao-chan," he admitted. "Everything's perfectly in its place--I just don't know what I'm looking for. Of course, the upside is that I can put as much sake money in the budget as I want. See, you have to stop me from doing that, or who knows what I'll do?" Nanao continued eating mechanically. Shunsui fought off the urge to grab her and force her to at least look at him. _It wouldn't help, it'd only drive her deeper_, he reminded himself.

Instead, he took a deep breath and sat back in his chair, closing his eyes for a moment and taking a few deep breaths to center himself. He _hated_ seeing her like this, so blank and lifeless. For all her reputation as a stoic, unflappable fukutaicho, she always had a certain spunk about her, a determination, so very different from this horrible emptiness. When he opened his eyes again, Nanao had finished her food but was continuing to use her chopsticks to spoon up empty air. Shunsui gently laid his hand over hers. "Stop now, Nanao-chan," he said. She immediately put down the chopsticks and dropped her hands to her side, resuming her study of the wall opposite her.

He got up and put her tray aside, glancing at the weather outside. It was already dark out, so it was too cold to take her outside. But they could at least take a walk indoors. Her warm robe was hanging on a hook on the wall, so he went and grabbed it. "Stand up, sweetheart," he said gently, supporting her slightly as she stood. "Now put this on," he said, sliding the coat around her. "There we go. Walk with me. Not good for you to stay inside this room too much."

He led her down the hallways and around the lounge area. Nanao was still limping badly, but Unohana said short walks would be fine. The silence between them was unnatural and uncomfortable, so Shunsui started talking again. "As I was saying earlier," he said, "it was a bit exciting yesterday. Did you know that the second Thursday of January is _really_ overscheduled? Really, a full-squad inspection on the same day as a meeting for the seated officers? And apparently you do _two_ special Kido tutoring sessions on Thursday evenings, too, one for our squad members, and one for anyone who wants to come." He chuckled wryly. "Now I understand why you always seem ready to go right home and go to bed on Friday nights."

"I never knew how much time you spend with those kids, you know. Not just the regularly scheduled stuff, but extra tutoring for those who need it or want it. And I know you don't have all that much time to spare." His jaw clenched momentarily and he quietly added, "Which is entirely my fault." It was _all_ his fault, but he had to set aside the guilt for now, and focus on trying to get through to her. "You know that every single member of our squad who's been here more than two years has at least their intermediate Kido license?" He laughed. "Of course you know, you know everything there _is_ to know about our squad. More than I do, that's for sure."

"I'm doing my best to practice with them and help them along, but I don't think it's the same. They miss you. Especially the younger ones, some of them absolutely adore you. It reminds me of you when you were little, the way you admired Lisa-chan." Again he had to pause to keep his composure. "Of course, you were a tough little thing, too. Always so determined to make sure things were done right, always so willing to take charge to get things done."

They were walking back down the hallway towards Nanao's room now. "I remember the week after Lisa-chan disappeared. Or maybe it was two weeks, it's kind of a blur to me," he admitted. "I woke up in probably the late afternoon and you were in the office, cleaning up bottles and tidying the place up…" He trailed off into silence, lapsing into remembering that day.

_He opened his eyes and then closed them again as the light intensified his pounding headache. It was clearly daytime, so he'd managed to drink enough to pass out, a plan he intended to repeat as soon as possible. He was just trying to decide if the probable dizziness of getting up was worth retrieving some more sake when he heard a soft shuffling noise and a few soft tinkling noises._

_Cracking his eyes open, he saw Ise Nanao collecting empty sake bottles and putting them in a bag, using a rag to wipe up the spills. Then, she got a broom (which was nearly twice her height) and started sweeping industriously. He let her work for a few minutes before opening his eyes fully, and stretching dramatically, as if he'd just woken up. Her eyes went wide and she dropped her broom. "Sorry to disturb you, Kyouraku-taichou!" she said, bowing._

"_Oh, it's all right, Nanao-chan," he said. "Yare, yare, the place looks so clean."_

_He could see her frowning a little at the form of address, but she didn't say anything about it. "I saw that it was getting pretty messy. Somebody's gotta clean up or you won't be able to find anything at all!" she explained sincerely._

"_Ah, that's a good point, my dear," he agreed, going to one of his hiding places to get a bottle of sake. To his surprise, his bottles weren't there. "Eh? Did I drink those last night?" he asked aloud._

"_You shouldn't drink so much, Kyouraku-taichou," Nanao said behind him._

_Shunsui turned to look at her with some surprise and saw that she had her hands on her hips and was glaring at him with all the severity someone who looks four years old could muster. "Did you take them, Nanao-chan?"_

"_Yes, sir," she said, looking a little nervous, but still giving him a stubborn glare behind oversized glasses._

_He couldn't help chuckling. "How did you know where to look?" he asked._

_Now, she did look down, shifting from foot to foot uncomfortably. "Yadomaru-fukutaicho told me where your hiding places are," Nanao said. "She said that she had to keep an eye on you and make sure you did your work. Sir." Shunsui could see she was struggling very hard not to cry, trying to be tough in front of her captain. "If she's not coming back...well, somebody has to get stuff done."_

_He knelt down next to her, looking into her eyes. "You miss Lisa-chan, don't you?" he said gently._

_She nodded fiercely, and he could see tears hovering in her eyes. "Saa...it's all right to cry sometimes, Nanao-chan," he said, pulling her into a hug. "Sometimes we need to cry."_

_She stiffened for a moment, probably not sure if hugging her taichou was an okay thing, but then she started crying, and Shunsui rubbed her back gently, letting a few tears of his own fall. When she was done, she squirmed away, taking off her glasses and mopping her eyes on a sleeve. Shunsui handed her a handkerchief. "Thank you, sir," she said, using it to wipe her eyes, and then clean her glasses._

"_It's perfectly all right, Nanao-chan. And I won't tell anyone that you cried if you won't tell anyone I did," he said conspiratorially._

_She nodded. "I won't, sir," she promised._

_Hiding a grin, Shunsui joked, "So, you're the one Lisa-chan left in charge of taking care of me when she's gone. Going to work your way up to fukutaicho?"_

_She blushed a little. "Uh-huh," she said. "Yadomaru-fukutaicho was teaching me lots of Kido. We were working on Raikoho, only I'm having a little trouble with it."_

_Shunsui raised an eyebrow. That was a 60-level spell, and a fairly difficult one to control, one you weren't supposed to attempt unless you had your Intermediate Kido license. "Planning on being a Kido master quite young, I see."_

"_Yes, sir! I wanna take my Expert test next year, and maybe my Master exam in three years," she said._

"_That's quite a goal," he said._

"_I gotta work hard on my Kido," she explained. "I'm not much good with my zanpakuto yet."_

_That didn't really surprise him, as tiny as she was. It'd be hard for her to fight an opponent. Honestly, he was a bit surprised she could fight hollows, but with her Kido, she should be all right. "You do have to get your shikai before you can be a fukutaichou," he said._

"_I know," she said frowning. "So I'll have to work on that, too."_

_He reached down and ruffled her hair gently. "Well, I wish you the best of luck, Nanao-chan. If you need any help, you can ask me, all right?"_

Breaking out of his reverie, Shunsui noticed they were back in Nanao's room. He guided her back to her chair. "Sit down." She sat, and he said, "You remember that day you were cleaning up my office? You told me when you wanted to get your Expert and Master Kido license. I didn't really think it was possible, not so quickly. But as usual, you proved me wrong. Youngest Kido Master in the history of the Gotei 13. Once you decide to do something, you do it." Sighing, he added, "Usually without asking for my help, too."

Shunsui shook his head and crouched down by her, stroking her hair gently. "I wish I could get through to you, sweetheart. I can't imagine how much he hurt you, Nanao-chan, and I want so, _so_ much for you to know that you're safe, that I'm here with you." He cleared his throat, and when he continued, his voice was rough with pain and worry. "If I was in your place, I'd be scared, too. But it's over. Aizen and Ichimaru are both dead. You're home, and all your friends are here, waiting for you to wake up."

Nanao didn't move an inch, barely even blinking at the contact. Shunsui rubbed her cheek with his thumb softly. "Please, Nanao. Say something, anything. Just give me some sign that tough, determined woman I know is still in there. _Please_," he said, nearly whispering.

Stillness, silence.

He dropped his head for a moment, letting his hat cover his eyes as he let his hand slip down to cover hers again, feeling sick to his stomach. Rage at Aizen welled up in him again, but he pushed it aside as he got to his feet. "Well, I'm heading back to Eighth," he said. Shunsui leaned over and tenderly kissed her forehead. "I'll see you again in a few days, Nanao-chan. Get well soon."


	6. Chapter 5: Food and Drink

Jyuushirou glanced over the budget he had just finished, rechecking the numbers in his head to make sure they added up. _Yes, that seems right_, he thought, signing it and setting it to the side before he stretched. Maybe he'd just take a break for some tea before he finished his paperwork. He was planning to catch up from his most recent bout of sickness by working late tonight, so tea would help him stay alert. Taking out one of his favorite blends from a canister he kept in his drawer, Jyuushirou went to put some water on to boil. Just as he was about to turn the heat on under the pot, he heard a knock on the door. "Yo, Mr. Handsome," Kyouraku said.

"Ah, hello, Kyouraku," said Jyuushirou, smiling at his friend to hide the worry. Kyouraku was lounging on the doorframe, trying to look carefree, but Jyuushirou could see the slight tightening of his jaw, the haunted look in his eyes. Without asking, he knew that Kyouraku had just come from visiting Nanao, and that he desperately needed to be distracted. "Care for some tea, old friend?"

"I was hoping for something a little stronger, actually," Kyouraku said, trying for a grin.

_A bad visit, then,_ Jyuushirou thought. Glancing at his paperwork, he decided that the rest of it could wait. Kyouraku needed his company more than it did tonight...and gods knew Kyouraku had spent more than enough time tending to him over the years. "Yeah, I think I can afford to take the night off," Jyuushirou said, smiling impishly at his friend. "We'll just have to sneak by Kiyone and Sentaro."

"Ah, but sneaking around subordinates is my specialty," Kyouraku said lightly, though Jyuushirou could see the flash of pain and self-hatred in his eyes.

Jyuushirou sighed internally, but knew better than to comment on it. Instead, he motioned to the door, saying, "Lead on, oh wise master."

The two of them slipped out the door and over the rooftops of Thirteenth, dodging around Kiyone and Sentaro, who were heading back to headquarters with dinner for Jyuushirou, fighting about who was carrying more food for him. He and Kyouraku stifled snickers as they raced over the rooftops and away from the noisy Third Seats. By the time they were at the West Gate, Kyouraku was actually laughing a bit—real laughter, not fake laughter.

Jyuushirou made pleasant, inconsequential small talk as they walked to a little out-of-the way restaurant and bar. Underneath the surface, though, he was worried about Kyouraku. His friend tried to hide it, but what had happened to Nanao was tearing him apart. Jyuushirou hadn't even seen him this upset when Lisa was exiled. He knew Kyouraku was only sleeping the bare minimum he could get away with, and he'd lost weight. Not to mention the way his jokes sounded hollow and his eyes always had guilt and pain hovering in them. It worried him.

Kyouraku had been ecstatic when they found she'd respond to simple commands, thinking she was starting to get better. But then they realized she didn't really _understand_ what they were saying. All their efforts to communicate were met with a blank stare. It had been over a month now since Nanao first woke up, and there hadn't been any real change. Unohana was worried, too—about both Kyouraku and Nanao. Jyuushirou was suddenly startled to realize that he and Kyouraku had arrived at the restaurant and had been standing at the door for several seconds. "Zoning out on me, Ukitake?" Kyouraku teased.

"Ah, but who wouldn't find your discourse on the relative benefits of the different pink haori you've owned to be _utterly_ fascinating?" Jyuushirou answered.

Kyouraku laughed as he headed for a corner table and motioned to the waitress for the first round. "You're right, my friend. I wouldn't listen to me, either," he said.

The waitress smiled at them, blushing prettily, and brought dishes and a couple of bottles of sake. "Just…take it easy, all right, Kyouraku?" Jyuushirou said. "Have you eaten today?"

"Ah, but eating will make the sake take longer to take effect," said Kyouraku, forgoing the dish to take a deep drink straight from the bottle. "And I don't want that," he muttered.

Jyuushirou frowned and pulled the bottles away from him. "No more of _this_ until you get something in your stomach. Honestly, you're going to ruin your liver."

"Yare, yare, you should know I have an iron liver. It's my zanpakuto's true power," he said, but he let Jyuushirou snatch the sake bottles away from him. He ordered them both some ramen, which he knew this restaurant could make quite well, although Kyouraku probably didn't care all that much right now. Still, he had no intention of letting his friend get smashed on a completely empty stomach.

"How's the budget coming?" he ventured.

Kyouraku put his hand on his forehead melodramatically. "So cruel, mentioning that when I don't even have sake in me yet!" he proclaimed. "Hey, do you think I could get out of it if I fell on my sword?"

"Nope. Sensei would still make you do it," Jyuushirou said unsympathetically, smiling at Kyouraku's antics.

"Alas! Such a cruel world! How do you do it?" he asked.

"Carefully," Jyuushirou said. Taking pity on his friend, he said, "Look, I finished mine today. I'll come over tomorrow or so and help you. But only this time!"

Kyouraku's overdramatic protestations of eternal friendship were cut short by the waitress coming with their ramen, so they tucked in instead. For a few minutes, they were quiet, except for slurping their noodles. "Ne, Ukitake…thanks," Kyouraku said quietly.

"It's no trouble," Jyuushirou said. He sat in silence with his old friend, until it grew uncomfortable, and Jyuushirou knew it was time to ask. "How is she?"

"Same," Kyouraku said, finishing his ramen. Wordlessly, Jyuushirou handed over the sake as he motioned for some more ramen for himself. Kyouraku poured himself some sake and gulped it down.

"I'm sorry," said Jyuushirou.

Kyouraku made a non-committal noise as he steadily started to get himself drunk as quickly and effectively as he could. Jyuushirou didn't push him, eating his second bowl of ramen quietly. Kyouraku didn't speak again until he was into the third round of sake. "We ate ramen the first time I ever took her out to dinner," he said. "It was after Lisa-chan left."

"I remember," Jyuushirou said quietly. She was still an unseated officer back then, and she looked like a tiny child, but even then, she could bully Kyouraku.

"I found her curled up on top of a stack of paperwork on the floor. She'd finished it all, and when I woke her up to put her to bed, her stomach growled. Of course, she tried to say she wasn't hungry at all, even though she hadn't eaten that day because she was doing my damn work, even at that age," Jyuushirou saw his friend clench his hands.

"And you came sweeping in, with her in tow and asked if I wanted to go out to dinner with you two," he continued, trying to divert Kyouraku from _that_ train of thought.

"Well, I knew she wouldn't agree unless it was for a good cause, like getting you out of that dusty office," he said. "But she was so very proper when she ate, so careful not to splash. It was cute." Kyouraku smiled sadly. Jyuushirou nodded and Kyouraku continued, "See, that's what gets me." He took another deep drink. "She looks like her, but she doesn't act like herself. They made curry today for her dinner. She didn't even notice when it splattered."

Jyuushirou nodded again. There was nothing he could say. All he could do was to listen. Kyouraku lapsed into silence for longer this time, drinking steadily without comment for well over an hour. The other patrons slowly filtered out. Jyuushirou drank a bit of sake, but then just ordered tea for himself. One of them should stay sober enough to get home, at least. "Her eyes, too. Hate those eyes," Kyouraku slurred.

"Hm?" Jyuushirou said.

"Her eyes," Kyouraku explained. "Supposed to be expressive. Can't hide 'em behind her glasses, you know? Flash when she's mad and twinkle when she thinks something's funny. Even if she's trying to be tough, can always tell. Can't tell now. Nothing in her eyes."

"I know," said Jyuushirou. It was painful to see her like that for him, as well. She'd always been such a determined young woman. To see her lifeless and lethargic like that...it was difficult. He considered her a dear friend, too. "It doesn't seem fair." The words tasted hollow in his mouth.

"No, 's not fair. Not fair that she's done so much of my work over the years. Not fair that she's worked and worked and worked, and barely asked for anything. Never asked for a raise, you know. Given her one a few times. But she never asks. 'Most never asks for time off, either. Only asks for one thing, one damn thing. Asks me to do my paperwork. And I just couldn't be bothered," Kyouraku said disgustedly.

Jyuushirou sighed internally. On one hand, it was hard to argue that Kyouraku should probably have been more diligent about doing his paperwork. On the other hand, he really did care about his subordinates and tried to protect them when he could.

Kyouraku continued, "'S in the hospital because of me. Because I left stuff she shouldn't have even _seen_ to her. And because that bastard knew she's a good person, takes care of me even when I don't deserve it." He closed his eyes for a moment, and then stared into his dish. "'M scared for her. Scared he broke her spirit. Scared she's gone, that 'm never going to see her smile again."

They were silent again for a while. Jyuushirou was scared of the same thing, truth to be told, but he kept it to himself. Sake bottles were littering the table now, and Kyouraku was reaching the point where he'd be too drunk to drag home. He'd been staring into that particular bowl of sake for several minutes now. Jyuushirou got up, sighed, and signaled for their bill. "Come on, old friend. It's time to go home," he said.

"Can't get through to her, Jyuu," he mumbled. "Doesn't hear me. Doesn't see me. Doesn't feel me. What the hell he do to her that scared her so bad that she won't come out, even after a _month_?"

Jyuushirou shook his head silently. He didn't know what to say. How he wished there was something, _anything_ he could say or do which would help either one of them. He fished out Kyouraku's purse and paid for the sake, then paid for their meals, before putting his shoulders under Kyouraku's arm to help him outside.

Kyouraku continued to talk as they went out the door. "Oh, I know what he did," he said. "Hurt her until she couldn't take it anymore and made her watch hellish images 'til she couldn't think straight. An' gods know what else he might have done to her...and instead of giving in, instead of telling him what he wanted to know like I or almost any other person would have, she kept telling him no until he destroyed her mind." He laughed bitterly. "Picked her because she was an easy target. That was my fault, of course. But he also managed to pick one of the few people who was strong and stubborn enough to refuse him. Stupid bastard." He stumbled a bit.

"Don't speak as if she's gone," Jyuushirou said sharply, pulling Kyouraku back up. "Don't you give up hope on her."

Kyouraku was silent for a moment, just standing still. Jyuushirou could see a few tears running down his friend's face. "Not giving up on her, Ukitake," he said in a low voice. "I can't. I...I love her. Not just for her looks or whatever or because she's fun to be around. She's kind and strong and loyal. I care about her. Could spend the rest of my life with her."

Jyuushirou knew that whatever his weaknesses, whatever his failings, when Kyouraku decided he actually wanted to commit to something, it was impossible to change his mind. _They're more alike than either of them knows_, he thought. Aloud, he said, "I know, my friend. Maybe you still can. Have faith in her, Kyouraku. She may still pull through."

"Suppose so. Don't really deserve her," he admitted. "Be happy just to see her okay again."

"Then trust her to find her way back. You know how stubborn she can be. If she can, she'll come back," Jyuushirou said.

They walked (stumbled, in Kyouraku's case) back towards the Seireitei. They'd used flash-step on the way out, but with Kyouraku as drunk as he was, they'd have to walk back the old-fashioned way. "Never told you about when we almost lost her," he said.

"What, you mean the energy transfer you pulled that Sempai was positively livid about?" Jyuushirou chuckled a bit. "The look on her face would have scared Sensei. You're lucky you were asleep while she was really mad."

"Yeah, that," he said. "Went into her inner landscape to do it. Wasn't any other way. I felt her...heard her, sort of." He shook his head. "She was so scared and tired. Maybe...maybe I should have let her go."

Jyuushirou frowned and looked at Kyouraku. Without warning, he hauled off and punched his friend in the face. "Ow..." Kyouraku said, rubbing his chin and looking up at Ukitake with an injured expression.

"Don't you _ever_ say something like that again! She went through hell to survive what she did, and so I don't ever want to hear you say it might have been better if she'd died!" he shouted, his voice echoing in the empty field. "Do you think this is what she'd have wanted? For you to wallow in self-pity and guilt?"

Kyouraku was silent for a few moments, but Jyuushirou could see he was at least thinking it over. Then, he chuckled ruefully. "You hit hard, old friend," he said.

"You have a hard skull, old friend," Jyuushirou said. He could feel the bruises forming on his knuckles already.

"Fair trade I s'pose," Kyouraku said, getting unsteadily to his feet. "Nanao-chan always thought hitting me was the best way to make me behave." But Jyuushirou was relieved that he sounded a little more cheerful now.

"I would not presume to question Ise-san's experience in these matters," Jyuushirou said primly, but with a grin. And then they were both laughing and it was all right again. Or if not all right, than at least better than it was before.


End file.
